Tuesday, January 30, 2018

It's 11:35pm on the eve of the 4th year of my mother's passing, and here I sit, forcing myself to reflect; forcing myself to feel...because feeling the pain of losing my parents is something I just can't bear, or know how to. So I suppress. But here I am, because it's what my heart desperately needs: to feel.

I recently re-watched the entire trilogy of The Lord of the Rings. The last time I've seen any of the films were most likely over a decade ago. I don't remember how it affected me then, but watching it now, considering all that I've experienced these past few years, it affected me deeply.

The more I dwell on the story, the more I realize it can be interpreted in so many ways; it's a universal metaphor. Man's greed for power. Trials of unwavering hope. The ultimate sacrifice. Friendship. Love. Life. Death. Rebirth. This story has many layers, so many that it doesn't matter what burden you're currently facing, you'll most likely be able to see your story in it as well.

I keep thinking that one day, after much time has passed, after my heart is healed, that I would have my life back; that my life could take off where it had been delayed; that things could go back to normal...but what is "normal"? I was foolish to think that things could ever be how it used to, because the fact of the matter is that it never can. And it never will. The two most important people in my life are no longer here. No father to walk me down the aisle if I get married. No mother to be by my side if I become a mother as well. No parents to go to when I need their guidance. No parents to comfort me when I experience failures, or to berate me if I did something wrong. No parents to feel proud and happy for me when I've accomplished something I've been working so hard for. 

No one who knows me better. 

No one else that can love the way only a mother can.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? 
How do you go on, when in your heart, 
you begin to understand, there is no going back? 
There are some things that time cannot mend, 
some hurts that go too deep...
that have taken hold."

 -The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

I have to accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same. Our past, our experiences...they change us. And when we change, so does everything else in our lives. Certain things may have a more prominent change than others, but nothing is exactly as it once was. Everything holds a memory. Anything can trigger a heartbreak. So instead of fighting to find a reminiscent form of normalcy, what I have to do is to simply proceed with my new beginning.

I don't know what that is, nor do I even know how to comprehend that thought, but I do know it's the only way for me to ever be able to experience life again; a life that is filling, purposeful, and inspiring. One day.

I miss you, mommy. 
Thank you for always fixing my head whenever I fall asleep awkwardly on the couch.
I have a stiff neck often nowadays. I love you.


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  1. I could never tell you I understand. I hope you find what you're looking for.


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